Breaking the News! "Bush Declares War On Mother Nature" by B. September 28, 2005

(Air Force One, September 28, 2005) - Spentagon spokesperson Bush unleashed his fury at Mother Nature yesterday during a speech he gave at a military base in Texas, whose name was undisclosed for weather security reasons.

"The War on Terror was escalated on August 29th. A hurricane named Katrina attacked New Orleans creating the worst disaster in US history. Then we were hit again. A second hurricane named Rita roared up from the Gulf of Mexico on September 24th and attacked Texas."

"These so-called Acts of God were not natural disasters. These were rogue terrorist hurricanes, Acts of Satan, and we will hunt down what's left of Hurricane Rita and kill it," Bush said to the roar of unanimous cheers and applause from the entirely military audience. "Intelligence now shows that from the start, Hurricane Katrina and Rita were bent on killing innocent Americans and robbing us of our way of life. These storms not only hate our freedoms, these storms hate our good weather," Bush roared.

"This is just the beginning. Mother Nature has declared war on the United States of America, and with God on our side, we are going to hunt her down and kill her dead in her tracks. But make no mistake, we will make sure she lives long enough to regret what she did to New Orleans and especially Texas," Bush declared over almost continuous applause.

"Recent advancements in the technology of creating and controlling weather now make what I am about to say possible," Bush said and then he paused for emphasis.

"We - no - longer - need - Mother - Nature!" Bush yelled slowly,and then he slammed his fist on the lecturn.

"I have just signed an executive order to implement a five-step plan to make all Americans safer, by making us independent of Mother Nature's unpredictable wrath, but make no mistake, it will require sacrifices from all Americans," Bush said.

"First, as I speak here this afternoon, special stealth commando teams are pursuing the remnants of terrorist Hurricane Rita as she moves north and east from Texas, possibly spawning terrorist tornadoes and terrorist rain squalls in her wake. I have instructed the commando teams to show no mercy on the bad weather, and to do whatever is necessary to make sure that this storm never, ever bothers anyone again," Bush declared.

"I don't need to spell it out. My commandos know exactly what I mean and what they need to do," Bush said confidently to deafening applause and a long standing ovation.

"Second, let me be clear, we're gonna win this war against Mother Nature, but it will require zero tolerance towards those who oppose us. Mother Nature is everywhere and she will be the toughest adversary we have ever fought. Nothing less than the American way of life is at stake. This is a war that will not end in our lifetimes," Bush said solemnly.

"Starting today, all those who publicly state that global warming is real will be arrested for aiding and abetting the terrorist weather elements", said Bush. I have instructed the Attorney General to implement our new plan to enforce this policy, Strike, Undermine and Punish to Preemptively Repress our Enemies to Save our Society (SUPPRESS).

"Only cowards make excuses to distract us from what we all know is true," said Bush, at which point he paused, narrowed his eyes and looked slowly from left to right across the large audience.

"There's good weather ... and there's bad weather ... and we're gonna hunt down the bad weather and kill it," Bush roared amidst another, even louder burst of applause and standing ovation.

At this point, some marines in the audience jumped up and chanted, "Kill, Kill, Kill. Swing your guns from left to right, we can kill Mother Nature all night."

"That's what I'm counting on," Bush responded sternly, pointing to the Marines, then briefly saluted them.

"We're gonna make sure there's no safe place for bad weather to hide on Earth. You are either with us or you are with the bad weather. We must have a united front against all terrorist storms," Bush said forcefully.

"Third, I have instructed the Spentagon to create a new Fast Action Storm Cell Interdiction and Suppression of Terror (FASCIST) weather team within the Spentagon's Special Operations Branch (S.O.B.) to go after the terrorist hurricanes."

"Hurricane season is just warming up, so time is short. I have requested an emergency appropriation of $250 billion dollars from Congress to get moving immediately to head off the next hurricane. But make no mistake, I'm warning Congress, I expect to get this funding immediately.
Don't mess with Texas ... [pause] and America."

"To start out, we will put our special FASCIST weather teams first in the Carribean and then in West Africa to fully preempt and prevent any hurricanes from forming. Since we face no greater
threat, I have authorized these teams to use nuclear weapons, a force even more powerful than Mother Nature. I declare Mother Nature an outlaw terrorist element. From this day forward, there will be nowhere she can hide her ill wind."

"Fourth, next week I will submit a second appropriation to Congress for $750 billion dollars to fully fund the first year of the new Spentagon program to finally control weather worldwide. The top-secret program, which has been under development for several decades, is called, Direct
Elimination of Active Tornados in our Homeland and Worldwide Interdiction and Suppression of Cyclones and Hurricanes (DEATHWISCH)."

"Once we have taken over control of weather from Mother Nature, all Americans will be able to enjoy good weather, every day, all year long."

"We will eventually expand our control to include elimination of smaller terrorist tornadoes, terrorist heavy rains, terrorist windstorms and duststorms and terrorist droughts."

"The top-secret technology developed by DEATHWISCH will allow us to preempt storms worldwide as needed, by creating equal and opposite storms that circulate in the opposite direction. When the two opposing storms meet, they will cancel each other out."

"This new technology, called Holy Opposition and Generation of Weather to Annihilate and Suppress Hurricanes (HOGWASH), is planned to go on-line one year from now assuming full
funding."

"Fifth, we are also declassifying one of our largest top secret research and development projects, Environmental Control of Cause-and-effect in Defiance of Ecology (ECOCIDE), whose mission is to micro-manage all weather elements, once Mother Nature has been eliminated."

"But this won't be enough. All Americans must do their part. Every American must be vigilant against the threat posed by Mother Nature. As we start winning bigger and bigger battles
against her storms, she will fight back with greater fury," Bush warned.

"A slight breeze. A few clouds in the sky. A drop in temperature. This is how bad weather gets started. Report all signs of ill wind to your local WITCH-HUNT (Weather Intelligence Tactics and Control for the Homeland) office in cooperation with HUNT (Hurricane Unit for Neutralization and Tracking)."

"We will SUPPRESS our enemies internally to guarantee our security. Then our FASCIST weather teams will go after hurricanes as they form. The Spentagon's DEATHWISCH will give us good weather 24/7, and our HOGWASH and ECOCIDE technologies will stop bad weather initially in the northern hemisphere starting in 2007. Through remote sensing and our WITCH-HUNT program, we will root out Mother Nature wherever she hides."

"With God on our side, we will stop bad weather for good. Thank you and may God bless America."

<Thundering Applause and Standing Ovation>

After Bush's speech, three high-ranking Spentagon officials, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed grave reservations about Bush's plans to this reporter.

While looking at the floor, one of the Spentagon officials said, "Kill Mother Nature? Come on. We should admit to the public that they've been had, that terrorism is a tactic and you can't declare
war on a tactic. War itself is terrorism. Hurricanes are stronger and more numerous now due to global warming, which results from our generation of greenhouse gases, and made worse by
our overconsumption."

The Spentagon official kicked a spot on the floor, then continued, "We should also admit that terrorism, more often than not, is a direct response to US foreign policies that demand the destruction of democracies worldwide to set up puppet governments favorable for maximum economic exploitation by US corporations, and the establishment by threat of force of unpayable coercive debt for infrastructure the countries don't need, to be built by government and corporate insiders as favors, as well as labor and resource extraction rates at rock bottom prices benefitting just the Fortune 500, crushing all competition. This sort of pillage always creates blowback. People get mad when outsiders set up dictatorships in their country, then cart off all their wealth."

The Spentagon official brightened and became excited when he said, "We should be leading the world in transforming our economy to run on clean energy systems based on renewable energy like solar, wind, tidal power and others, as well as on alternative transitional fuels instead of fossil fuels. If we blaze the trail, other countries will follow. We must stop global warming now and prepare the nation and the world for peak oil, leading the way by example, creating new decentralized energy technologies to empower local communities, restructuring our national and local economies, strengthening our public transportation systems, creating lower power infrastructure to provide essential services in a lower energy world."

The Spentagon official smiled widely and said, "It's an exciting time, full of endless possibilities to create livable, sustainable systems that work with the natural world, not against it. It's a time that
invites people with vision to step forward and bring out the best from everyone to make it all happen! There will be no shortage of jobs."

Glancing at his watch, the Spentagon official finished by saying, "Finally, we should be providing massive aid to the people who are suffering from these two natural disasters called Katrina and Rita. We must demonstrate to them, to their neighbors and to the world, what our values really are, by helping the survivors put their lives back together, preparing for the next hurricane in the
age of global warming, and prosecuting those responsible for obstructing aid and those who defunded the maintenance of the levee system and the wetlands."

The other two Spentagon officials nodded in agreement. I asked them if they were concerned for their safety since their views seemed pretty radical for the Spentagon. They all confidently shook their heads no, laughed, and made their way to the exit.

A blinding flash and deafening explosion sent everyone to the floor just as the Spentagon officials left the auditorium. Onlookers quickly realized that the 3 officials were hit by lightning from the massive storm cloud above just as they left the building. One witness commented, "That storm cloud just came out of nowhere!" The local hospital reported that none of the 3 officials survived.

Experts aren't sure if the lightning was an act of nature, or an accidental DEATHWISCH Experimental Action Demonstration (DEAD). DEATHWISCH officials could not be reached for comment.

<A member of the audience, now outside, yells out an inaudible question to Bush...>

"Can't talk now, trees down everywhere at the ranch. A year's worth of brush to cut!" Bush yelled as he jumped into the waiting black SUV.

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Acronyms used in this article:

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