http://www.satirewire.com/news/march02/coincidence.shtml
3/26/02 Tuesday
SCIENTISTS
WARN OF GLOBAL COINCIDENCE
Rising Temps, Oceans, and Greenhouse Gas Proof of Weird,
Unrelated Happenings
Washington,
D.C. (SatireWire.com)
Sea levels
swelled, but still they doubted. Temperatures soared,
but still they questioned. Glaciers disappeared, yet even so,
they refused to believe. But now, the sudden disintegration
of a massive Antarctic ice shelf may convinced even the most
hardened skeptics that Earth truly is threatened by Global Coincidence.
Antarctica's
Larsen B ice shelf before (above) and after
Global Coincidence caused its destruction.
"If there was before, there can be no doubt now that there
is
one very obvious reason why all these things are happening,"
said Dr. Milton Suter of the Center for Climatological
Happenstance. "And that reason is: Because they are."
The numbers
supporting Global Coincidence, Suter insisted,
don't lie. In the last 100 years, while carbon dioxide and
methane emissions have surged, the world's average land
surface temperature has risen 1.0ºF, and the oceans have
risen 6 to 8 inches. "For most people, that would be enough,"
Suter noted. "I mean, right there, all that adds up to a
pretty strange coincidence."
But then,
over the last month, the 800-square-kilometer
Larsen B ice shelf in Antarctica fractured and collapsed
"So on top of everything else, a 500-billion-ton chunk of
ice just happens to melt and break apart? Frankly, that's
not just a coincidence," said Suter, "that's an incredible
coincidence."
Polls
show that Global Coincidence theory has long been
embraced by the general public, but a handful of scientists
remain skeptical. "I've seen their data, and I still wonder
if perhaps there's not some kind of cause-and-effect
relationship that we should be addressing," said Dr.
Kathryn Burke of the Sierra Club. "I believe Global
Coincidence may be one possible scenario, but we need
to do more studies, including some that point to possible
linkages between events, if they exist."
That kind
of reaction angers Global Coincidence proponents like
Dr. Christian Barstow of the World Climatic Coincidence Fund.
"More studies? How long do we have to wait before these
apologists realize the results are already in?" he said.
"It's time to accept that Global Coincidence is very real,
and that if we don't do something, it's only going to get worse.
"And
also if we do do something, it's only going to get worse,"
he added. "That's the nature of this beast."
SPREADING
COINCIDENCE?
Intrigued
by the climate studies, some scientists are now
investigating the influence of Global Coincidence in a number
of unexplored areas. Researchers at the U.S. State Department
are using GC to separate U.S. foreign policy decisions and
international reaction to U.S. foreign policy decisions.
In health care, Global Coincidence has already produced
startling results.
"Right
now, we're looking at people who die of lung cancer,
and people who smoke cigarettes, and we see that often these
are the same people," said Dr. Russell Crowder of the American
Tobacco Institute's new Center for Inescapably Random Occurrences.
"I don't know what the odds are of those things happening
independently, but they've got to be astronomical."
"That's
absurd," replied Millicent Hu of the American Cancer
Society. "The link between cigarettes and cancer is no more
a coincidence than if I put two and two together and get four."
"Whoa,
that's what happens when I put two and two together!"
replied Crowder. "Freaky."
But already,
detractors are becoming increasingly rare.
Some credit overwhelming evidence in favor of Global
Coincidence. Others point to an exchange last week at
the first annual International Conference on Incredible
Global Coincidence between a statistical logician and
Suter of the Climatological Happenstance Center.
Logician:
"Look, everything is not a coincidence.
I mean, if you shoot me with a gun and I die, that's
not a coincidence. You have a gun. You pull the trigger.
Bang. I'm dead."
Suter:
Ah, but what if I actually happen to have a
gun on me right now?
Logician:
Well, OK, I admit, that would be a...
BANG
Suter:
Coincidence?
After
the applause died down, Suter drove home his point
that there is no point in looking for a point. "All in all,
the data is stunning. The British growing season is now
longer than ever. The Arctic ice is considerably thinner
than it was 50 years ago. The 20th Century's 10 warmest
years all occurred in the last 15 years," he said.
"Given that, I think I speak for everyone in the Global
Coincidence community when I say, 'Wow. Go figure.'"
Copyright
© 2002, SatireWire.
(A bit of
dark humor from www.satirewire.com)
